


Castiel Is

by Donttalktomeimfangirling (Jillian_k)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Kinda graphic violence, Multi, all the characters in supernatural starting at season 4, heavily, im not sure what counts as graphic, the destiel is implied - Freeform, this is mostly canon so no extreme romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-12
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-03-01 04:03:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2758940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jillian_k/pseuds/Donttalktomeimfangirling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is many things. He is an angel, a friend, a rebel, an enemy. He is also angry, excited, terrified, disappointed. He doesn't show it. But he is.<br/>Every episode of Supernatural that Castiel is in from his internal point of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Castiel Is

**Author's Note:**

> So this story is a personal challenge for me. It is basically every episode of Supernatural that Cas has been in from an internal perspective. I have never written a Supernatural fanfic so this is a test run for a future AU story I have in mind, IF I can pull it off. Also, there is no dialogue in the entire story, which is part of the challenge. Please let me know if I should work on anything, if the characters are working, or any other critique you might have. I really want to improve my writing. Enjoy guys. 
> 
> I do not own Supernatural or anything affiliated with it.

**Castiel is happy**.

    Or at least content. He isn’t entirely sure what happiness consists of. The humans were constantly happy, and for hundreds of different reasons. Sometimes, Castiel feels a little jealous of them when he sees their open joy, their all consuming bliss. He gets a little caught up in the idea of being human and forgets for a moment that being human is the hardest thing in the world. All he has to do to remember is check on the same person that had been overjoyed the day before and see them collapsed in the corner of a room, unable to push themselves off the floor and get through another day. This instantly brings Castiel back to reality, reminds him that while he has never known the kind of joy that humans have, he has never known the kind of pain they have either. It seemed like a fair trade off in the grand scheme of things.

* * *

 

**Castiel is afraid.**

    He is told he will be going into hell to retrieve a soul. Not just any soul. The soul of Dean Winchester, the Righteous Man that was meant to save them all. He knows how important getting the human back was, yet the thought of going into the pit gives him pause. Still, orders were orders. Many other angels would be laying siege to hell to clear the way, so he will not be alone. He will not disobey his family. He will not be afraid. He is an angel, he did not need to fear the dangers of hell like humans did. The descent into the realm of Lucifer, his long fallen brother, was not without its consequences. There was irrevocable damage to his wings, singed at the tips a dark grey, ashy color. He would wear the scars with pride though, as he is successful in his mission. ‘Dean Winchester is saved.’ His cry reaches every corner of heaven as he carefully reconstructed the human’s body in its pine box six feet under a field in Illinois. He painstakingly puts him back together before replacing the soul and giving life back to the man. A handprint is left on his shoulder, a physical remnant of Castiel’s grip that was able to pull him out of the pit. There is nothing to be done about that. Dean awakens in darkness and manages to claw his way to the surface. Castiel keeps his distance, waiting to try and speak to the Winchester. When he finally speaks, Dean can not hear him. He covers his ears and shakes in fear. Castiel is oddly disappointed.

* * *

 

**Castiel is frustrated.**

    And guilty. A woman, a good woman, can no longer see because of him. He had warned her not to look upon his true form. He had even offered his name to satisfy her, to convince her to turn back. She was a powerful clairvoyant, and very determined. Yet no matter how much Castiel tries to convince himself he was not at fault, that he had done all he could to save her, he feels what he can only identify as guilt. And he buries it. Castiel is also frustrated because he was still unable to speak with the Winchester. He had tried speaking to him again, only to cause more damage than the previous attempt. But now, he and his hunter friend are on their way to call for him. Castiel could come without their summons, but needed a vessel first. Then he would finally be able to explain to Dean Winchester why he had been saved.

* * *

 

**Castiel is nervous.**

    He wouldn’t show it. He had quickly figured out how to work the vessel he had chosen, one James Novak. Being even this close to being human was unnerving for Castiel. He had always been curious about what it would be like to walk among the creatures he constantly observed, the creatures he had come to love more than any of his brothers and sisters did. He knew that was why he had been chosen to rescue Dean Winchester. The other angels knew he would do anything to make this work. Meeting Dean was terrifying for him all the same. This was the Righteous Man. Every angel in heaven knew he and his younger brother, the abomination with the demon blood, were meant to stop the end of the world. And Castiel was the one chosen to tell the savior of the human race about the great burden that had always rested on his shoulders, from the moment he had been born. Something like that would make any man nervous. Castiel is fortunate that he is an angel and did not have the same feelings and emotions as a man. Yet he knows, somewhere deep down, that he is nervous.

    It went about as well as he expected. He is stabbed once in the chest and shot repeatedly with bullets and salt. The other hunter, an older man that Castiel immediately knew to be Robert Singer, was easily done in with a thought, leaving Castiel alone to speak with the man whom he had raised from perdition.

* * *

 

**Castiel is concerned.**

    Dean had not believed a word he had said. They had parted soon after they had begun speaking, when Castiel had realized he would not be getting anywhere with the hunter that evening.

    The raising of the witnesses had been the next time he had sought out the Winchester. Appearing in a dream, he  explained his mission to Dean, that they had to prevent Lilith from breaking the 66 seals that would release Lucifer.

    He isn't sure if taking Dean back in time to see the deal that his mother had made, the deal that had changed everything, had helped. It was a risk he was forced to take to make Dean understand that while Azazel was dead, his long term plan was not.

    Samhain rose. They defeated him, but it was too late. Castiel is not jealous of humans in that moment. Especially not Dean Winchester.

* * *

 

**Castiel is upset.**

    He did not want to kill Anna, not really. But orders are orders. He wasn’t entirely sure in the end why she doesn’t die. He does know that Dean saves his life from Alastair, and that while he should not be, he is grateful. The seal about the reapers is kept from being broken by the Winchesters. It is a small victory in a war they are ultimately losing. Another small victory is that they have Alastair now. If that can be considered a victory.

* * *

 

**Castiel is uncomfortable.**

    Dean Winchester does not want to use the skills he had been taught in hell, which is not surprising. Reliving literal hell was not something anyone even thought they would have to face. Castiel does not want to put Dean through those memories again. But it isn't about what Castiel wants.

    Anna says that it can be. She wants him to turn his back on heaven, disobey them. Castiel had never been anything but loyal, but Anna isn’t wrong. And yet, angels are dying and Castiel needs to put his people, his family, before anyone else.

    He is shaken when Alastair escapes the devil’s trap.

    Sam Winchester assures him, as they talk in Dean’s hospital room, that demons are not killing the angels. Castiel is unsure what to do with that information. Talking with Uriel doesn’t help as he only pushes Castiel to thinking that heaven is wrong. And heaven cannot be wrong. Talking to Anna doesn’t help either. Disobeying is not 'good', but it might be necessary. He can’t make up his own mind.

    Uriel betrays him. Somehow, Castiel is not surprised. Horrified and disappointed, yes. But he can’t bring himself to be shocked by the betrayal, and that terrifies him more than anything else. Anna is his life saver. Castiel is unsure what to do with that information as well.

    Telling Dean he broke the first seal while in hell reminds him of when he used to watch the humans and remember why he didn’t have to envy them. The heart he was borrowing feels heavy and worn as he looks at Dean crumble right in front of him. He wants to spare the man pain, but the Righteous Man that begins it is the only one that can end it. There is no way around that one.

* * *

 

**Castiel is losing.**

    He was trying to return his loyalties to heaven. They were the ones with the orders, they would tell him what to do in order to keep Lucifer from rising. But every time he sees Dean Winchester, he weakens a little bit.

    Sam Winchester was supposed to make a deal with Lilith. Whether or not he would do it was known by only God, and he wasn't sharing.

    The prophet, Chuck, was brave in his own way. He took the news that he was a prophet of the Lord better than Castiel could have hoped for. Many humans would not be able to live with that kind of pressure. God had chosen him though, meaning that he would, of course, be up for it.

    Dean Winchester is desperate and prays to Castiel. It pleases the angel when he hears Dean’s voice meant only for him. He thinks this to himself, but only shares with Dean that he is pleased with his demonstration of faith. Which he is. He is unsure why he doesn’t share the other part.

    Castiel refuses to help directly, but tells Dean about the archangel that protects Chuck, to do with that information what he pleases. He finds that he cannot bring himself to regret the small act of rebellion. He cannot help but think it was worth it.

* * *

 

**Castiel is in pain.**

    The angels are not pleased with him. They ripped him from his vessel and dragged him back to heaven against his will, forcing him to relearn everything he had been taught from the beginning of time. How could he have been so blind? Humans weren’t worth giving up heaven, his family. Especially not the Winchesters.

    Claire Novak is a strong young girl, but Castiel is pleased when Jimmy Novak begs to be his vessel again. He knows he will die either way, and if he doesn’t become Castiel’s vessel, both he and his daughter will be taken from his wife. Once, Castiel would have sympathized with the man, desperate to save as much of his family as he can, and deep down he can feel the sympathy. He crushes it like a cockroach and grants Jimmy his dying wish.

    Dean asks what he had wanted to tell him before being dragged back to heaven. Once again, Castiel is reminded of how far he fell from grace because of the man standing in front of him. He tells Dean he serves no man, and that heaven has reminded him of the truth. That he has learned his lesson.

* * *

 

**Castiel is certain.**

    He knows that telling Dean he can stop Lucifer from rising, that Sam doesn’t have to be the one, is the right thing to do. Even if it isn’t true. He has Dean swear his allegiance to heaven and God and something inside of him dies.

    Castiel lets Sam loose from the panic room. He has his orders, and they consist of making sure Sam is there when Lilith attempts to raise Lucifer. Orders are orders again. Anna confronts him and he knows she hates him for what he did. He cannot care, and Anna is dragged away by the other angels. Castiel cannot care. A good soldier has to do what he must to achieve the end goal. A good soldier cannot care. Castiel is a good soldier, so he cannot care...

* * *

 

**Castiel is torn.**

    Dean Winchester has proven to be his weakness. He pleads with Castiel to release him from the Green Room, where he is being kept as Lucifer is raised. Castiel stands his ground and refuses. He is a good soldier of heaven again, he serves no man.

    Zachariah has been deceiving him. Lying to him and so many other soldiers. Lucifer rising is part of the plan, a plan that Castiel has been working non stop to complete. He has played an integral part in the end of the world. He apologizes to Dean but refuses to help him put an end to the plan. They would be hunted by heaven itself, never to be free from them. He thinks the punch Dean throws hurts the human far more that it hurts him. His choices are before him, but it is not until he discovers what the final seal is that he makes his decision.

    Castiel banishes Zachariah from the Green Room and helps Dean escape. The final seal is Lilith’s death, and now only Dean can stop Sam from ending the world. They discover from Chuck that Sam is at a convent, and Castiel sends Dean there while he and Chuck hold off an archangel who was sent to stop them. Castiel knows what this will mean. Dean Winchester has once again proven to be his fatal flaw. There is no turning back to heaven now. Castiel has chosen his side, and he has chosen humanity.


End file.
